THAT'S FUNNY

And so is this selection from our new book:

KIDS TODAY...

I worry about kids today. Because of the sexual revolution, they're going to grow up and never know what "dirty" means. -Lily Tomlin

I was listening to some rap music this afternoon. Not that I had a choice--it was coming out of a Jeep four miles away. -Nick DePaulo

This is a reminder that if you want to get your back-to-school gift in time for your favorite student, you now have to allow for the five-day waiting period. -Greg Kinnear

I think about a lot of sick things. Do you know how f - - - ed up science class will be for test tube babies? Think about it. That's where you find out your father jacked off in a jar. Your mother was a petri dish. You wind up with a kid with a real strong urge to masturbate in front of girls with bifocals. -Marsha Warfield

Single people throw the best parties. They don't have to worry about their furniture getting messed up. Their friends can destroy everything they own. They're out 15 bucks. -Jeff Foxworthy

We used to terrorize our babysitters when I was little, except for my grandfather because he used to read to us...from his will. -Janine DiTullio

I had to quit university because my Dungeons and Dragons character died. -Al Rae

My brother's name is Greg, but when he got out of college he changed his name to Mkazi, which means "He who runs from student loan people." -Tony Edwards

People want to take sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity--if you have the knowledge, use it. Hey, I took algebra. I never do math. -Elayne Boosler

When I was in high school we would give each other hickeys and then make up fictitious boyfriends that gave them to us. It never occurred to us that we were real. -Betsy Salkind

I hated math. Math teachers would ask me questions. "Mr. Kinney, can you tell us the common denominator here?" Yeah, we all think this sucks. -David Kinney

We spend so much money on the military, yet we're slashing education budgets throughout the country. No wonder we've got smart bombs and stupid f - - king children. -Jon Stewart

Nintendo is coming out with what they say is the most violent video game ever made. It's called, The Super Menendez Brothers. -Jay Leno

STAND-UP PHILOSOPHY:

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912.... Well, to make a long story short... -Steven Wright

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? -The Atomic Cafe

I got an "A" in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist. -Judy Tenuta

You know what's great about coffee? It's the only meal for which the name of the food is also the official name of the event: coffee. "We'll get together for coffee." We don't know what we're doing, but we know what we'll be having--coffee. No one ever talks about getting together for lamb, or Fresca, or grapes. You never hear it because it doesn't quite have the same draw as coffee. -Paul Reiser

I used to work at International House of Pancakes. You set your goals. You go for them. It's a dream. I made it happen. It was the worst job I ever had in my entire life. I tell you something: When people would be rude...I'd touch their eggs. -Paula Poundstone

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." -Emo Philips

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. -Janeane Garofalo

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. -Steven Wright

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" -Dave Barry

What do prostitutes do at a convention when they let their hair down? Do they wear flat shoes and stand up a lot? -Roseanne

When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, "Oh, are you funny?" I say, "No, it's not that kind of comedy." -Betsy Salkind

Link between eating meat and war: You eat enough meat, you want to kill somebody. That's the way it works. -Denis Leary

She saw a sign saying "Wet Floor." So she did. -Joan Rivers

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -Sue Kolinsky

Carpe per diem--Seize the check. -Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final decision on where your lips end. -Jerry Seinfeld

If all the world's a stage, why do only half of us wear makeup? -Brad Stein

If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. -Woody Allen

If crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? -George Carlin

Do you know how many polyesters died to make that shirt? -Steve Martin

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? -Steven Wright

Clothes spend most of their lives waiting in the closet, in the hamper, in the drawer. There are shirts in your house going, "He never picks me." Laundry day is the only exciting day 'cause the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. It's dark, bubbles happening, they are all kind of dancing around. The shirt grabs the underwear. "Come on, babe, let's go..." -Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin

Last night, I dreamed I ate a 10-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up, the pillow was gone. -Tommy Cooper

I hate the outdoors. To me, the outdoors is where the car is. -Will Durst

What's another word for thesaurus? -Steven Wright

Ever watch ants just crawling around? They walk in that single straight line, a long, long mile of ants. Sometimes they will walk over and pick up their dead friends and carry those around. I'm pretty sure it's because they can get in the carpool lane and pass up that line. -Ellen DeGeneres

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. -Dave Barry

I had a lot of toys as a kid. The best toy is something you get on your own, like a cardboard box. Five years old, you get boxes like the ones refrigerators come in. When you are five years old, that's the closest you get to having your own apartment. -Jerry Seinfeld

The problem with self improvement is knowing when to quit. -David Lee Roth

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. -Michael McShane

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata. -Jim Samuels

In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy. -Rita Rudner

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? -John Mendoza

Why do the Yellow Pages advertise on television? We don't get a choice of which Yellow Pages we want. James Earl Jones, one of the finest actors in the world, has a commercial for New Jersey Bell Yellow Pages. It doesn't make sense. He actually says, "Nine out of 10 people use the New Jersey Yellow pages." What does the other jerk use? The Texas Yellow Pages? You know why nine out of 10 people use the Yellow Pages? Because the 10th person calls information--I'm that guy. -Eddie Brill

On fire drills: In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in single-file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? -Warren Hutcherson

I have a message from the National Pancake Institute. It says, "F - - k waffles." -George Carlin

I don't care about anything. Like yesterday, Jimmy cracked corn. I don't care. -Howie Mandel

Have you ever noticed the mannequins in the store have the natural look, the bra-less look. They have a sweater on with little points. Why would I buy a sweater that can't keep a mannequin warm? -Elayne Boosler