The Sign-Off

Dear Potential Member:

Take a moment and imagine this: You get up in the morning. You check the stock market. You dash off a letter to your Uncle Merv. You go shopping for new snow tires. You "meet" some friends and gab about last night's X-Files episode.

Now here's the amazing thing: You do all these things WITHOUT the help of your computer. That's right--completely off-line. No keyboard, no mouse, no screeching modem!

Sound like something out of rec.arts.tv.twilight-zone? It's not. It's here today, it's reasonably priced and it's called...America Off-Line.

What Is America Off-Line?

America Off-Line is the revolutionary service that links you to an eye-popping interactive world known as "nonvirtual Reality"--or, more simply, "Reality." Enter this world (located just outside your computer!) and you may never want to leave. Just look at what you'll have access to:

*A friendly community. America Off-Line boasts a jaw-dropping 250 million members; that's more visitors than the Beavis and Butt-head Web site got all last year! You'll love interacting with fellow users in our famous chat rooms (or "parties").

*A sea of information. Join up, and you'll be swimming in more data than can be contained in a dozen hard drives! We've got thousands of newspapers and magazines, dozens of nonelectronic "libraries," and unlimited "mail" delivered to your door every day but Sunday by a real human being.

*Convenience. Talk about easy access! Our system, available 24 hours, is compatible with all Macintosh, PC, and UNIX platforms. Plus you'll enjoy powerful multitasking capabilities: Ride your exercise bike, talk on the phone, and watch Rhoda, all at the same time!

*Superior graphics and sound. Reality boasts a full-color palette with millions of hues and an astounding pixel density. (If you want even more clarity, you can upgrade with glasses or contacts.) You'll enjoy full-motion visuals that make QuickTime look neolithic, and acoustics to rival SoundBlaster. Special bonus: With America Off-Line, you never have to wait for free art to download. Simply go to one of America Off-Line's Museum sites!

*High transmission speed. The default speed for Reality is a breakneck 60 seconds per minute. That's pretty darn fast, and should be enough for most of our members. Still, there will always be those Antsy Andrews who want even more, which is why we provide accelerators. Buy them at Starbucks or, if you prefer the powder version, at the bathroom of select nightclubs.

*The Outernet. With America Off-Line, you'll gain access to an even vaster network known as the Outernet, which encompasses the popular World Wide World. Current membership: 5 billion and growing!

Sound enticing? We think so too. That's why we made it so easy for you to sign off. Here's what you need:

Memory Requirements

The only memory necessary to run America Off-Line is that contained in your cranium. It features both RAM (the name of the sushi bar where you're meeting your mother tonight) and ROM (the name of your mother).

Softwear Requirements

To navigate Reality, you'll need some basic softwear, or "clothes," as they're called off-line. In addition to the Fruit of the Looms that have served all your needs up till now, you'll also need pants, shirts, skirts, blouses, ties, bras and cummerbunds, depending on whether your operating system is male or female. Bundled softwear (aka "suits") is also available.

Local Access Requirements

America Off-Line can be accessed from anywhere in the United States. And we mean anywhere: the Mojave Desert, your bathroom, wherever. And since there's no access number to dial, it's rarely busy.

Disconnecting

When you're ready to pull onto the Information Driveway, just follow these easy steps:

1. Click to the Exit option on your on-line service.
2. Press the Off button on your terminal. (This is often located in the back. You might have to actually lift your butt off the chair to find it.)
3. Unplug your computer.
4. (optional) Stick your computer in the back of your closet next to the yogurt maker used twice in 1983.

And that's it. You're officially off-line. That wasn't so bad, eh? Troubleshooting Tip: If that method did not work, try rebooting your computer and hitting your monitor with a large slab of limestone.

Estimated disconnect time: One second.

The Starter Screen

Once you have signed off, you'll look up from your monitor and see the Starter Screen, also called "your room." No doubt you'll be impressed by America Off-Line's colorful graphic interface. Talk about what-you-see-is-what-you-get (WYSIWYG); objects not only look like what they are, they actually are what they are!

Your Starter Screen features many flashy, customized icons. There's the People Connection icon, known off-line as your "spouse." (This icon will give you the special America Off-Line greeting: "It's about goddamn time you looked up from the keyboard.") There's the News icon (you will recognize this by the pile of unread newspapers in the corner), and there's the Desktop icon (the wooden thing underneath all those software packages).

We'll get to all these in due time. Right now, you should keep downloading. Or, as they say off-line, read on!

Operating Your Starter Kit

The rectangular object you are holding in your hands is called a "book" (pronounced like "Powerbook," but faster to say). The "book" is essentially a very long text file, but if you've gotten this far, you've probably noticed something strange: There's no scroll bar, no hypertext links, not even a Continue button. No, to navigate the book, you must actually grasp the upper right-hand corner of each "page" and turn right to left. Try it--but come back! Good. Later on, if you get tired and want to keep your place, just use an off-line "bookmark." These handy tools are similar to the ones on the World Wide Web--except that they always fall out.

A. J. Jacobs
Director of Services
America Off-Line

The Founding Members

How did America Off-Line get started? Back in the 1700s, a mangy band of venture capitalists got fed up with paying the unreasonable user fees charged by Brit.com and decided to sign off. In 1776, they formed their own service, dedicated to, among other things, providing a wide range of Religious Forums.

Under the visionary management of our first CEO (User Name George Washington), we were able to ratchet up the off-line security system and install a relatively fair user fee schedule. Since Washington, America Off-line has gone through a few dozen CEOs, all of whom have helped expand America Off-Line's services and range. User Name Thomas Jefferson established dozens of local access numbers west of Louisiana. User Name Abraham Lincoln oversaw a particularly unpleasant management disagreement, after which he issued a new class of shares. And under User Name Woodrow Wilson, America Off-Line extended voting privileges to Class F shareholders.

Frequently Asked Questions

What's the secret to America Off-Line's success? We've got a few of them. Two hundred and fifty million of them, to be exact. That's right. It's YOU, the members, who are responsible! That's why we feel very strongly about personally responding to each and every letter that we get. Here's a sample of some FAQs:

Dear America Off-Line,
I have a personal Home Page on the World Wide Web. Is there something similar I can do in Reality?

Maxine Tyler
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Maxine,

As a matter of fact, you can carve out your own little corner of Reality, your own little domain. It's called, quite simply, a Home. But you should know that there are some key differences between Homes and Home Pages. Here's a look:

Hits
On your Home Page, the more visitors the better. Dozens, hundreds, thousands--come on in, day or night! Not so for your Home. At your Home, you want only a small trickle of hits per month, maybe 10 or 15. And each visitor should stay longer than the on-line average of 30 seconds. More like three hours. A visitor who surfs from Home to Home every half minute is considered very rude, or else a Jehovah's Witness.

Designing a Home
If you want to set up your own Home, you'll need some basic hardware: hammer, nails, two-by-fours, etc. But except for our Amish members, very few of our customers build their own Homes off-line. Instead, you should hire a professional designer (called an "architect"), some professional programmers ("construction workers"), and then before you know it (i.e., before the sun turns into a black hole), you've got a cute little Home.

Personal Data
Just as with Home Pages on the Web, off-line Homes have a place where you can store all sorts of personal data. This is called a "diary." Here you can enter anything you want--from a long list of your favorite movies, to some boys you had crushes on in sixth grade, to an amusing anecdote about your orthodontist's bad breath. What's really interesting about the diary, though, is that, except in rare cases, NOBODY READS IT BUT YOU!! This is much more efficient. This way, other members don't waste half an hour clicking through menu after menu on your Home Page, only to find an index of your bas mitzvah presents.

Similarly, visitors should NOT be treated to your résumé. The résumé should be kept well hidden in a desk drawer, to be taken out only when "mailing" job "applications."

Links
In the off-line world, "links" are used in fencing material, which actually keeps Homes apart, rather than leading you from one to the next. Ironic, yes?

Dear America Off-Line,
You know those text files (or "books") in the Library of Congress? Why don't you translate them all into Klingon?

Steve Jenkins
Bethesda, Maryland

Dear Steve,

Thanks for the suggestion! At one point, we thought about doing just that. The problem is, strange as it may sound, in the off-line world, the interest level in Star Trek is not as high as you might think.

Want proof? Try this test. Ask some random America Off-Line members what they think of Spock, and watch them start yammering about breast-feeding and child care and other un-Vulcan-like stuff.

As much as we may think they're crazy to miss out on Trek, you have to understand this: America Off-Line is just so packed with other options--including the activity known as "having a life"--that many members just don't have time to soak up all the genius of Commander Roddenberry.

So instead, we at America Off-Line decided to translate many of the books into other, non-Klingon languages. Like French and Chinese (see "The Outernet," page 91). Why not "boldly go" and learn these fascinating tongues?

Dear America Off-Line,
Why aren't there more female members on America Off-Line? We need more chicks!

Dave Floria
Buffalo, New York

Dear Dave,

Actually, unlike some on-line services, America Off-Line does have a large number of female customers. In fact, of our 250 million members, slightly more than half are women!

Perhaps the problem you're encountering is that you are spending time at the wrong America Off-Line sites. That often happens to those who have just signed off for the first time. Let me give you some hints: Going to your friend's house to play Dungeons and Dragons isn't the best way to meet women. Mystery Science Theater 3000 conventions also have a disproportionate number of guys.

Why not try the Theater site? Or the Museum?

Dear America Off-Line,
The Real World is so loud! I can hardly hear myself think!! Can you please tell me how to turn down the volume?

Kimberly Picon
San Diego, California

Dear Kimberly,

Good point. America Off-Line has some wonderful sound effects. You can hear a droplet (access a sink), a quack (access a duck pond), a wind chime (access a hippie's house), and even a wild eep (access a wild eep watering hole). But you're right. Sometimes things get just a little too loud.

So that's why we've built in a volume control. To activate it, place your hands over your ears. Now hold them there. Hope that helps!

Dear America Off-Line,
What's a "dork"?

Harold Wright
Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Harold,

A "dork" is someone who has just signed off. It's the equivalent of the word newbie, and the overtones are just as hostile. Sadly, some veterans of America Off-Line selfishly want to keep "dorks" out, figuring they'll clog everything and make parking even harder than it is now. If you've just signed off for the first time, Reality-heads may try to confuse you. They'll throw around technical jargon like "nature" and "trees" and "hiking." Don't be afraid to ask what these are. Although you may initially get beaten up, before long, you'll be able to taunt newcomers yourself.

Dear America Off-Line,
I heard that children can learn how to build bombs off-line. Is this true?

Casey Wiggums
Portland, Maine

Dear Casey,

No doubt, with so much information off-line, there's the risk that your child might be exposed to something terrible like this. Still, it's no reason to keep kids from the wonderful world of Reality! You just have to keep your eye on them. For instance, if you hear your child asking the department store Santa for "a pony, a sweater and four quarts of nitroglycerine," you might want to have a talk with her.

Dear America Off-Line,
I recently started a romantic attachment to an America Off-Line User named Bill, whom I met at the Laundromat. I haven't told my cybermate SiliPutty. Am I cheating on him?

Hallie Scotchman
Indianapolis, Indiana

Dear Hallie,

Well, we're not exactly http://www.annlanders.com. But we can say this: Studies show that it is possible to form real emotional attachments in your off-line relationships. In other words, there's probably a reason you're not telling SiliPutty. Maybe you feel there's a real chance that you and Bill have a future together, and not just in Reality, but in cyberspace too. Perhaps it's time you started trading e-mails with Bill to see if you can form a lasting relationship. Only then will you know.

Dear America Off-Line,
What's the best way to get around your service?

Janice Moorehead
Santa Cruz, California

Dear Janice,

As you may have noticed, pointing-and-clicking is pretty uncommon out there in Reality. So how do you get from one site to another? Well, you can use those things located under your desk, called "legs," and try to "walk." Or you can use the Noninfo Highway, that much-ballyhooed system devised by Al Gore's father. Here's a look:

Hardware
Instead of a modem, you'll need a Car, which comes in both external (aka Convertible) and internal (aka "everything else") varieties.

Speed
No matter whether you have a high-speed Car (Maserati) or a low-speed Car (a 1974 Plymouth Valiant), the Noninfo Highway only supports 65 bauds (aka "miles per hour"). If you need to go faster, move to GermanyServe or get a woman in labor to sit in the passenger seat.

No-nos
The Noninfo Highway is no place for child pornography. Wait until you get home to read it. Otherwise, it might distract you from driving.